Stay Out Of My Sandbox

Some things will just never change. There will always be the people who think they are more important or better than everyone else. I try not to let it bother me but it still does. Only three little girls from my daughter's class came to her party out of 20 kids. I know ten of them went to the other girls party. This is only kindergarten. My angel mentioned that not too many people showed up but she was ever grateful for the people who did come. They are good friends, too. I couldn't help notice who was invited and who wasn't and it made it obvious to me. I wanted to scream and yell. I wanted to tell this oblivious women doesn't she know who she is messing with. This school isn't about how much money you have. Or is it. Does it always have to come to that for some people. I have been overly active in our school for seven years now. I personally know all the PTA board members and the staff knows my children and I by name. Maybe I have personal issues from my own childhood of people who constantly tried to exclude others. I always presumed it was the child but I didn't realize it was their parents they were learning it from. Accidents happen. Oversights happen. But when it is so in your face obvious it can hurt. Maybe it is the girl thing....it luckily has never happened with my son. I love our small school. It is wonderful. I don't want it to change. But it is much easier to get lost in a big school. And sometimes that is just where I like to be. My daughter is already over it but the other mother's and I want to meet her in the parking lot after school. It is funny how your maternal instinct will kick in and you would do almost anything to protect your offspring. You start thinking of ways to mentally torture this predator. I know I am overreacting just a smidgen, but getting this off my chest will help. I do have a tiny weeny vindictive side, but it only lasts for a day or two. (usually). Really, I'm almost over it. Really!! Almost!!

Okay, one other, a little more controversial thing, public versus private school. My mil is pushing the private school thing again. Even if it was a realistic for us to fork over 20k a year for private school I still wouldn't want to. Like repeatedly said, I like our schools. Granted, our middle school and high school are not number one in the state, but they are still wonderful. Also, wouldn't it just be cheaper to move if they are that bad. My mil says her friends are telling her "all the kids are using meth." My husband said, " that's just because they can't afford coke" Ha-ha! Seriously, we still have an excellent graduation rate and a good percentage that go on to college. Also, like I have probably said before, I think we have a pretty awesome home life. We are close with our kids and extended family. I believe this makes a difference. I have nothing against private schools. My husband and I both attended them at some time in our lives. I just think a lot of the crap people complain about at public schools you can also find at private schools. If you have the money and desire go for it. I am happy where I am and would like to help promote our public school system to the better. My mil is one of the pushier mil's and she refers to my children as hers " I have found some great private schools we can send our boy to."
Anyway, I am a big girl and can do my own research. And take care of my own children. Beware: I don't mind getting dirty especially when it is my own sandbox.

Imagine

I started off the afternoon a little sad because I am trying to throw a really nice birthday party for my daughter this Saturday but no one seems to be able to come. I found out from another mom that another little girl is having a party at the same time but she only invited half the class ( my daughter not included ). This mom of course is much more organized than I and sent her invites out 3 weeks ago. Oh, I feel terrible. The blessed angel I have for a daughter does not seemed fazed by it at the least, though. She is only 6 after all. We had a family party over the weekend and she was absolutely delighted. We went to a local fall festival and she loved shopping all the booths. She is definitely my daughter. I know I shouldn't care and I am trying not to get caught up in all the "who's party is better " crap, but I just hate disappointment on my child's face. If I know my angel she will still have the time of her life.

My son came home from school yesterday with his first heartache. He asked a girl to the Fall Carnival at school and she said no. I wanted to cry for him. I still can't believe he is already this age. I want to shelter him from it all. And it is just beginning. Today he came home a little happier because she told him she does like him but she is not allowed to call or go out with boys until she's twelve. So they will just be very good friends at school. I like this girl already. The 6th grade dance is coming up before you know it, though. If only,...

Then tonight all the other stuff seemed silly when I found out my aunt and Godmother has uterine cancer. My mom and her sister. Then a friend told me her mom was just diagnosed with melanoma-skin cancer. WTF!!! These women aren't even 60. I am thinking of moving to a bubble soon. But will that even help. Then it got me thinking(there I go again)...is my children's social lives really silly. NO, these are the kinds of things that count. When I think of my childhood, I love my parents for all the little and wonderful things they did. Nothing was too trivial for them. They made every minute count. Family vacations were always a must. Even when I bawked. But I can't even remember why I protested, but I sure do remember visiting Yellowstone Park, Disney World, and Washington DC with my parents. Yes, I remember broken hearts and bumps and bruises along the way, but I also remember my parents always being there doing the best they can. Even if I couldn't see that then. I was loved (still am ).My sister and brother were loved. We all have the same great memories so they must have been doing something right. I just hope my children feel the same way when they are older. I have a small hunch my hubby and I are doing something right. They are truly great kids and I love them to pieces.
I pray for all the sick and suffering people in this world. I also pray for the people in the world who do not have a family who loves and supports them as much as mine has. No one is perfect but everyone wants to be loved. We all need each other. " Imagine all the people..."

Can someone please tell me when life will slow down? Just when I thought we were getting a week off something else has to happen...my son broke his finger on the trampoline when he and his sister ran into each other. A finger, not the end of the world, right? Wrong! Of course, it had to be a dislocated compound fracture. We are going have it reset(I think they call it) tomorrow, along with some pins for good measure. It just so happens my son's only sport is track and field( not until the spring) safe...but...he has been playing piano for five years and recently picked up guitar. I may have mentioned that his new dream is start a band. I feel so bad for him. I cried when my husband called from the emergency room to tell me he would have to have surgery. This isn't his first trip to the emergency room. It isn't even his first broken bone. No, that happened when he was 18 months and he broke his leg. My son doesn't get the normal ear infections of childhood, he gets the kind where the eardrum busts and is bleeding on a Saturday evening or when we are on spring break in another state. I know there are many other horrible things that can happen to children, but I have to tell you I am already getting scared about the teenage years. He is smart and level headed, but one time is all it takes. He is already picking out his car and he is only eleven. Well, one battle at a time. I have to think positive and he will be back to his music playing in no time.

Julie Pippert, theartfulflower.blogspot.com, aptly calls her eldest child " Patience". I think that might be my new name for my eldest. That was definitely me growing up. I wanted to be older so bad...I wanted everything now. Patience has been one of the biggest virtues I have learned about in my life. I learn more everyday. As I went over the budget today I had to take a breath and remember it will all work out. We will be okay. We are doing what feels right to us.
One other virtue my husband and I were talking about recently is forgiveness. This is a very important and relevant virtue in my life, also. My children help me everyday, but as an adult life can be a bit more serious. I am working on this one and will talk more soon and on acceptance and forgiveness. I am working on an article for an online magazine about this subject and would love to hear any one's thoughts on the subject.

Just breathe:)

Sex, Religion, Children, Cancer

I just don't know how everyone does it!? I mean, in the blogging community everyone seems to be able to keep up with posting, commenting, etc... and their outside lives , too. I can't seem to be able to get on the computer longer than fifteen minutes before I am interrupted. I am really starting to become cranky from it. I am having blogging withdrawals. I am a much happier person when I can write and socialize with other bloggers. Hey, real people are good, too. But sometimes not as good.

Things have been pretty crazy lately. First, my mother's mass in her breast is cancer. She had it removed last week and is doing much better. She has to start radiation treatment as soon as she is better. She is in very good spirits and has an incredibly awesome attitude. I am so proud of her and so scared at the same time. The doctors are very optimistic about her recovery and her chances of remission. They have caught this very early. Thank God!

Work has been pretty good. I am not working with the evil queen this year and I have such a better attitude towards my job. The children are very sweet, but the parents are usually the one's who drive me crazy. I work at a private Catholic School and one of the little girl's in my class is Muslim. No big deal, we are a mostly academics but we do pray a few times a day( meals, morning prayer) and we have a bible lesson once a week for 20minutes. Pretty easy going compared to some Christian schools I think. Especially the one I worked at that condemned Mother Theresa. Anyway, the little girls mother would like us to take her out of the room anytime we pray and of course during the bible lesson. Look, I am all for freedom of religion, but I am not sure why she is sending her to this school. Her daughter is very offended every time Jesus is mentioned. We are definitely not a really cheap school and there are lots of secular schools in the area. I do think we have a really good program, though. I guess, if I was that worried about a school's religious influence on my child I would not be sending them to one I disagree so strongly with. Okay, that is my rant on that.

Now, on to pre teen angst. Wow, I am so desperately trying to relate to my son. He is absolutely girl crazy. He is fairly shy, but seems to have no shortage of girls to choose from and no shortage of questions about the opposite sex. He talked my ear off for an hour and a half last night about middle school stuff. His latest dilemma is his best friends crush seems to have the hots for him. Oh, what tangled webs we weave. He does seem to have a very level head on his shoulders and is very realistic about life. I know I was not that mature at his age. I am so proud of him. Sometimes I look at him and can not believe he is the same little boy who used to break the other kids toys because they took it from him. I worry, too. Life can be hard at his age. You stress about everything. Everything matters to you. He takes life very seriously. This is good and bad. I have the same problem. Even though he is a boy, we have similar personalities. My husband was much more outgoing in school. My son doesn't seem to have any problems making friends, he is just terribly insecure about himself. I know that comes with the territory, but I don't know if I have ever gotten better, myself. I know I will never stop worrying about my kids. I am very glad my son talks to me and I hope it will always continue. His mood swings could send my to therapy, but hopefully mine haven't ruined him yet!

My husband and I celebrated our 14th anniversary a couple of weeks ago. We actually went out of town with another couple we have known for a very long time. It was a lot of fun. They are celebrating their 15th anniversary next month. We were noting that half of both our wedding parties are divorced. That is sad. Some are happily remarried and others have disappeared. I know the statistic says half, but it is still sad when it happens. My marriage has had its' rocky moments but for heaven's sake you have to work at it. I have probably hated my husband at one time or another in our marriage. He is not always the most sympathetic of men. But, I am not easy to live with either. I am a self professed slob(even though I hate it) I don't know many people who are less organized and once a month just don't piss me off. Which is much easier said than done. And my husband not only lives with these things about me but appreciates them. I don't nag as much about pitching in, I don't care that he has not one but two unfinished classic cars in our garage, and at least once a month for about a week I always get my way. Some people call me a push over but I call it compromise. Just like people who seem perfect on the outside have skeletons in their closets some couples who have imperfections have ways off dealing with the chaos. We have a pretty good rhythm going right now, but marriage takes work. A lot of fucking work. When you live with someone day in and day out they are bound to get on your nerves. You are two different people and you are not always going to agree. Add in money, kids, in laws, etc...and you better be in it for the long haul. I know there are extenuating circumstances, but like I my husband says, he can't afford to divorce me. And like I tell my husband, I would rather be a widow. My husband and I are in need of a date about 3 or 4 times a month. And sex, well, that is a little personal, but you have to have it! For most men, it is never enough, but girls, have fun. You miss out on sleep for your babies, you can miss out for some fun with your honey. My point being, my man is worth it and so am I.
Well, I am feeling a little better and I have only been interrupted 4 times. Next time I with tackle the rock band my son is starting and whether paying your child for a clean drug test every month is ethical? Peace & Love!!!!!

All I Ever Needed To Know I Learned In Kindergarten:

Well, I have at least five posts saved in my drafts and haven't had the time to finish any of them. I hope this one is different. Between work and my kids going back to school I am an unorganized nervous wreck. Speaking of going back to school I have been reading a lot of posts/ blogs on this subject, especially about kindergarten.
I'm there, again. My second child started at the beginning of the month and wow what a difference from my first. Flashback~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~September 2001~~~~~~~My oldest child, my only child, my first born son is starting school. Does the date ring any bells. It sure does for me. I was 81/2 months pregnant with my miracle baby girl having a nice bubble bath when the phone rings. It is my son's teacher telling me he has failed the GKAP ( kindergarten readiness test) She thinks he would benefit from extra help and by the way he tried to pull the fire alarm today. She is a great lady who I later find out lives up the street. This news is surprising but not exactly shocking. My son is the sweetest little boy, but cannot sit still to save his life. His teachers have and will say " He has the biggest heart in the world, he just needs to learn to control himself". Hey, don't we all. Anyway, I try to call my husband but he is in Ohio of all places I can't seem to get in touch with him. My mom will just think I am pregnant nuts so I call a friend in a similar situation. She assures me she is just as nuts and thinks I should wait until I have the conference with the teacher before I pull him out and home school. You know, the new baby coming and all. Okay, I give, but I am still thinking this teacher deserves to be publicly flogged for thinking anything but wonderful thoughts about my first born child. Does she not know what I am going through here. I get through the day and decide I will make it until the conference tomorrow. But that day never comes. As I lay on the sofa having my second bowl of cereal watching Good Morning America Charlie Gibson announces a plane has crashed into the world trade center. As he is talking another crashes right before our eyes. As the morning unfolds and our country learns what may or may not be happening and I am debating whether I should get my son from school. Yesterday I was frantic about my son's place at his new elementary school and now I am losing it about his place at school. I knew I would freak about him being gone. I cried the whole first day , but I never thought I could stress about his physical being at a suburban elementary school, right? Boy, was I wrong. Us mommies decided against confiscating our children on the advice they would realize something bad was happening. Good advice I am sure, but by 2pm carpool I was having so many contractions I could barely drive and no one would answer their damned phones. At 4pm my husband finally calls from Ohio to say he has obtained a rental car and will be driving home immediately. Thank God! My doctor calls at 5pm and the contractions have slowed considerably. I am advised to have a glass of red wine and a long hot bath. My in laws arrive and stay until my husband is home. My beautiful boy makes everything okay. Calm, happy, and very reassuring. Even when the next week the doctors hospitalize me for pre eclampsia until I am thirty eight weeks and able to deliver. Even when our country is in shambles and no one feels safe he can't wait to go to his next soccer game. He is my candle guiding me in the dark. I have no more control. He is in school while I am in a hospital. I am going to have his little sister and I feel so helpless in my responsibilities as a mother. I feel so much guilt. Guilt for not being there, guilt for our sorry excuse as a world unable to create peace for our children, guilt for being pregnant, and guilt for the time I have to spend away from him. Will he understand? Will he be okay? Will he be scarred for life from his crazy mother and the rest of the world? Fast forward.................
Present day.......yes it might sound like I was a teenage drama queen(but weren't we all!) but really, I was that crazy. It was too much for me to comprehend at the time. I did have my baby girl ( all 9lbs5oz of her ) two weeks later and my son only sees his therapist 3X's a year now for his ADD Rx's. They say he has recovered nicely. As for me, well the medication helps. Seriously though, it was one of those life lessons that is forever carved out in my head and my heart. I can't control everything. Really, pretty much nothing. My dad had the Serenity Prayer hung in his home office as long as I can remember. He is even actually a card carrying member. You think hearing and seeing this virtue that often would have had some effect on me. (besides guilt) I guess it has because I eventually get the hint. You might have to knock me over the head with it and I will blame hormones and childbirth for the rest of my life, but the hurdles we have to climb in life, especially for our children, are just that: hurdles, mountains, life lessons. We will get through them and learn from them. Let go! They won't fall, children are stronger then we think. When we are at the top we sometimes forget how hard it was to get there. But life will remind you. With my daughter starting school it is so much easier this time. I still have a knot in my stomach every morning when I drop her off and I still cried the day before she went to kindergarten in the middle of the Kroger parking lot. (hormones!!)
I have to let go in little bursts with my children. But this doesn't mean I won't walk through a wall of fire to protect them, either. We are learning "when" everyday. When to let go and when to tighten our grip. Middle school, kindergarten, preschool,...it is all hard to me now. I finally got #3 potty trained but now she has to do it a preschool. OMG, I can't believe how nervous I am. I feel stupid for even saying it.
Anyway, we are all going through our mommy "puberty" at different levels and times. Just like when we were teenagers, we only have so much control over our lives. But now, as so called adults, we do have the experiences to help guide us through our lives. And if that doesn't get you through there is always good friends and excellent medications:)

My Mommy

Today I am a little on the worried side. My mom is going to have a biopsy to find out if she has breast cancer. I hate to even say the word for fear it may come true. She was really scared and nervous when she called last night to tell me. My mom has hardly been sick a day in her life and my family has luckily not had to deal with a lot of medical issues, especially life threatening ones. My sister called as soon as she got off the phone with my mom. We kept telling ourselves that women have these issues sometimes but everything usually turns out fine. My dad is going with her and she said they should have the results very soon. I hope so. I don't have a lot of experience with these situations but waiting seems one of the more difficult parts. I am trying to pass the time by doing things to keep myself busy, but I am still worried about my mom. Mom's are so important to daughters and I have been blessed with a wonderful mom who is always on my side. Please say a prayer for her. Thank You.

My Middle Is Gone

This has been a very busy and exciting week. My oldest daughter, who is my middle child, started kindergarten on Monday. Yes, we start very early down here. My son started sixth grade. That is still elementary school here. Although, he doesn't act like it.Of course, true to her nature she barely batted an eye when I dropped her off on Monday morning. I was about to cry if it weren't for all the parents huddled around the kindergarten wing together. We are a cute bunch. I am much calmer this time around. When my son began kindergarten I was 81/2 months pregnant with his sister and getting notes home and phone calls by the second week of school. Not to mention this was September 2001, so life was slightly crazy and scary anyway. I feel a better sense of calm while she is at school. I know this school. It is right behind me. I lived up there for the past six years. She did get the only new teacher in kindergarten and my son had all the others at some time or other. I was a little disappointed, but I know we can handle this. She comes home everyday and gives me a full report on the days event. My son still only gives one word answers unless it is bedtime. He had to even ask her to stop talking the first day because he wanted to tell me something. They are so cute walking into school together. He is already 5'6" and she is barely 4ft. I know this is what we parents work for but, preparing our children for leaving the nest, but I was secretly glad I still had little 3 to stay home with. She is watching Caulliou and running around in her Dora underwear. We have just recently become potty trained, by my standards. We will have to tackle preschool in a couple of weeks, but she will only be down the hall from me. I am not ready for all three to be gone all day, yet. I know this will come soon and by 5pm I am ready to throw them outside, smog alert or not. I am just trying to cherish every moment and do the best I can. Some people are worried about this teacher or that, going to middle school, testing etc...I am trying to be active, but I am learning to say no, too. I also try to do my homework when it comes to curriculum but not one system I've looked into is perfect. Our little niche has a small school, only 565 students in six grades, by most standards. There are varying levels of economic situations , especially when you get to middle and high school, but I love our area and the home we have built together as a family. I wouldn't trade it for the world. I believe it is important to put down roots somewhere, if you can. Somewhere your family can truly call home. I am so glad I get the opportunity to know one place where my children can thrive and I can too. School has a large place in children's lives so we better make it count.
I had big plans after school started to workout and work more on my writing but other things have come into play. Like, sleep and laundry. This will be okay. I am learning to adjust and be happy where my life is now. My heart has sank to where my middle used to be and I am not sure I want it back the other way.