Sliding Doors

Lately I have been thinking ( my husband would add a joke here) a lot about the choices we make in our lives. How one choice can equally effect the next and so on. One of my all time favorite movies is " Sliding Doors " with Gwenyth Paltrow ( who I also adore ). Her character makes a small choice that changes her life for either good or bad. This ultimately leads to more complicated choices in the two alter lives it creates. Can we go back and start again or are we constantly reinventing ourselves? If we make one choice and it doesn't work out we can't always just start over because there are other people who are involved. Other people's lives who are effected by our choices and vice versa. As a mother of three children, I know now the choices I make cannot always be selfish because people who make me who I am are involved. Everything from what I eat, to how many children I have, to my marriage, and my overall happiness effects my children. I know this sounds a little over the top and also a little " she's just figuring this out"----which I am not ----but everyday my kids are getting older and I am always worrying whether or not I am making the right choices for them because as they get older they will obviously be making more and more choices for themselves. I also have to be careful I am making the right choices for myself and setting a good example. I know one of the "rules " of motherhood is giving in to the fact that you will always feel guilty about something and some one's needs are not always being met.( my hubby's right now). I am trying and I bow to the women who have done this...but my mom constantly reminds me my favorite thing to ask when I was little was "what if? ". My almost 3yr old has recently picked this up. I try to answer her as best as I can. " What ifs " can drive you almost insane. I went through several miscarriages in a row before I had my second child and if you have ever had one you know how you can drive yourself crazy if it was something you did. I wondered what would have happened if I hadn't gone through all that and I know I wouldn't have thing 1 and 2. The choices we make can hurt us but we can recover and be stronger from them. Regret is a whole other part of choice that I think we must put to good use. We have to use it to make our next choice better. But I also feel in order to not to let regret eat us alive we have to also learn the art of forgiveness, and that may just be the ultimate thing my children have shown me and I can show them.
Journals, writing, blogging help me get this stream of consciousness out of my head and onto paper. I am not sure if I care whether people read it our not but let's face it writers truly want to be appreciated in some way. I am trying to get my short stories and my novels together. My notes are everywhere and I really want to finish just one. Articles and essays are much easier. these are themes I have included in one way or another in my most recent stories. If you have any suggestions or good websites let me know.

I Hate PMS, Periods, and Potty Training

And not in that particular order! I am just having one of those days where I wish everyone would just go away and I could watch recorded episodes of GH and cheesy horror flicks. I don't feel like cooking, playing pretend, or staying sober. I resorted to chocolate for my daughter's potty training reward and I know chocolate would make me feel better, but I still haven't lost the twenty pounds I've needed to loose since she was born. My hubby knows better and took the older one out to a friends house so it is just me and all the estrogen. Wow, he has gotten smart. My oldest daughter, who we politely call " thing 1 ", has been acting like her hormones are all out of whack. She starts kindergarten in two weeks. I love her, but we need to put all that drama to good use and get a college fund started. She can be sooooo.......draining. And the f' ing potty training thing. WTF.... I mean the other two weren't easy but, let's face it, they pretty much potty trained themselves. This one, well, ( we call her, you guessed it, " thing 2") , just is taking her leisurely time. She could conceivably go to kindergarten in pull ups. I know the third child is suppose to be laid back, but come on. She practically lives in the bathroom with me. She is constantly finding mamma's little
" private items " and strewing them all over the house. It can be really embarrassing. I guess I figured if she was spending this much time following me around she would have figured the whole thing out by now. But maybe she just wants the chocolate? I haven't actually explained how the preschool teachers don't give out rewards for going potty. It's Always the potty... I feel like I live their, especially this time of the month. Can we say, " super plus, please"!? What is up with that. I think I miss the days of being on the pill. At least I felt like I had control of some aspects of being a woman. If I get anymore bloated and bitchy my husband may just take up residence in the treehouse.
I know not everyone wanted to hear about my " time of the month", but tough shit. I mean I feel better and that's what counts, right. The only good thing that happened today is Harry Potter came out. I bought one of the last copies at my grocery store. I felt lucky on some level. I was definitely a hero in my son's eyes, so I feel pretty cool. He gets to read it first , but if he gives me any hints, his not so little preteen self will be grounded for life. It's all I can do these days, or show movies of him with his toenails painted pink from when he was four.
I am hoping within the next week I will be back to normal and halfway through Harry Potter. At least I have something to look forward to. Hey, don't make fun, I am not a complete geek, remember I am a Gemini.
The Merlot is wearing off and thing 1 and 2 are stealing my chocolate and fighting over it. Thank Goodness it is almost bedtime my voice is getting rough from yelling. Oh am I in for it when the rest of their hormones kick in.
Have a drink on me!!