Sliding Doors

Lately I have been thinking ( my husband would add a joke here) a lot about the choices we make in our lives. How one choice can equally effect the next and so on. One of my all time favorite movies is " Sliding Doors " with Gwenyth Paltrow ( who I also adore ). Her character makes a small choice that changes her life for either good or bad. This ultimately leads to more complicated choices in the two alter lives it creates. Can we go back and start again or are we constantly reinventing ourselves? If we make one choice and it doesn't work out we can't always just start over because there are other people who are involved. Other people's lives who are effected by our choices and vice versa. As a mother of three children, I know now the choices I make cannot always be selfish because people who make me who I am are involved. Everything from what I eat, to how many children I have, to my marriage, and my overall happiness effects my children. I know this sounds a little over the top and also a little " she's just figuring this out"----which I am not ----but everyday my kids are getting older and I am always worrying whether or not I am making the right choices for them because as they get older they will obviously be making more and more choices for themselves. I also have to be careful I am making the right choices for myself and setting a good example. I know one of the "rules " of motherhood is giving in to the fact that you will always feel guilty about something and some one's needs are not always being met.( my hubby's right now). I am trying and I bow to the women who have done this...but my mom constantly reminds me my favorite thing to ask when I was little was "what if? ". My almost 3yr old has recently picked this up. I try to answer her as best as I can. " What ifs " can drive you almost insane. I went through several miscarriages in a row before I had my second child and if you have ever had one you know how you can drive yourself crazy if it was something you did. I wondered what would have happened if I hadn't gone through all that and I know I wouldn't have thing 1 and 2. The choices we make can hurt us but we can recover and be stronger from them. Regret is a whole other part of choice that I think we must put to good use. We have to use it to make our next choice better. But I also feel in order to not to let regret eat us alive we have to also learn the art of forgiveness, and that may just be the ultimate thing my children have shown me and I can show them.
Journals, writing, blogging help me get this stream of consciousness out of my head and onto paper. I am not sure if I care whether people read it our not but let's face it writers truly want to be appreciated in some way. I am trying to get my short stories and my novels together. My notes are everywhere and I really want to finish just one. Articles and essays are much easier. these are themes I have included in one way or another in my most recent stories. If you have any suggestions or good websites let me know.