Weekends are for enlightenment

The good news is the children go back to school in a week and the bad news is the children go back to school in a week. My middle child will start kindergarten this year and it is also a crossroads for me. Another dilemma for me is I will start back teaching at my school in a couple weeks. No more free schedule and sleeping in until 8am. My writing is going to take a serious dive. I will be working one less day this year, so I am thrilled about this, but at the same time I won't be able to blog and work on my story inventions ( as I call them ). I try to look on the bright side...I am able to work part time and see my children as soon as they get out of school. I don't have to work , I need to work. Probably more then I am, but I am trying to strike this balance. I know I can't have it all, at least not all at once. My plan is to get this damned writing thing off the ground so by the time my youngest starts elementary school I can do this writing thing full time at home. Oh, I have dreams.
Over the weekend I kept reminding myself the children go back to school soon. Especially at the grocery store. You know how it is, you run in to grab the basics so your family won't starve or die of food poisoning, and then someone inevitably gets hurt, screams like a banshee so everyone stares at you( I am so over this ) you grab the closet bottle of wine to the checkout counter, pay twice as much as you expected ( bribes, things thrown in when not looking, mamma's little helpers etc...) and get the hell out of there. The Home Depot trip on Sunday wasn't much better. I knew when they were perfect angels at the Pancake House ( no food was thrown and the two year old didn't wet her pants) that it was too good to be true. At least this time, the hubby was present.
But I am going to miss my miracle baby when she goes off to kindergarten and little two turns three on Friday. ( Trying to plan some kind event ) My son got braces last week and time is moving too fast. I am in such conflict about this whole working/staying home thing. Time with the kids, time with my husband, time with myself. I know all of us moms go through this. I am just wondering will I ever get into a groove that works for me. Some days I think money will solve all these troubles, but I know that isn't necessarily true. People say money isn't everything, but it sure doesn't hurt. I have also read it is the number one cause of divorce. But those Hollywood couples have plenty of dough and they don't seem to have such good luck.
My husband and I are trying to be turtles. Go at a slow and steady pace. I know it will pay off. Thank God a girl has her friends to talk to about this stuff.
Off to make muffins in the easy bake oven. ( not the one that burns you) After all, she won't be my baby forever.

Sliding Doors

Lately I have been thinking ( my husband would add a joke here) a lot about the choices we make in our lives. How one choice can equally effect the next and so on. One of my all time favorite movies is " Sliding Doors " with Gwenyth Paltrow ( who I also adore ). Her character makes a small choice that changes her life for either good or bad. This ultimately leads to more complicated choices in the two alter lives it creates. Can we go back and start again or are we constantly reinventing ourselves? If we make one choice and it doesn't work out we can't always just start over because there are other people who are involved. Other people's lives who are effected by our choices and vice versa. As a mother of three children, I know now the choices I make cannot always be selfish because people who make me who I am are involved. Everything from what I eat, to how many children I have, to my marriage, and my overall happiness effects my children. I know this sounds a little over the top and also a little " she's just figuring this out"----which I am not ----but everyday my kids are getting older and I am always worrying whether or not I am making the right choices for them because as they get older they will obviously be making more and more choices for themselves. I also have to be careful I am making the right choices for myself and setting a good example. I know one of the "rules " of motherhood is giving in to the fact that you will always feel guilty about something and some one's needs are not always being met.( my hubby's right now). I am trying and I bow to the women who have done this...but my mom constantly reminds me my favorite thing to ask when I was little was "what if? ". My almost 3yr old has recently picked this up. I try to answer her as best as I can. " What ifs " can drive you almost insane. I went through several miscarriages in a row before I had my second child and if you have ever had one you know how you can drive yourself crazy if it was something you did. I wondered what would have happened if I hadn't gone through all that and I know I wouldn't have thing 1 and 2. The choices we make can hurt us but we can recover and be stronger from them. Regret is a whole other part of choice that I think we must put to good use. We have to use it to make our next choice better. But I also feel in order to not to let regret eat us alive we have to also learn the art of forgiveness, and that may just be the ultimate thing my children have shown me and I can show them.
Journals, writing, blogging help me get this stream of consciousness out of my head and onto paper. I am not sure if I care whether people read it our not but let's face it writers truly want to be appreciated in some way. I am trying to get my short stories and my novels together. My notes are everywhere and I really want to finish just one. Articles and essays are much easier. these are themes I have included in one way or another in my most recent stories. If you have any suggestions or good websites let me know.

I Hate PMS, Periods, and Potty Training

And not in that particular order! I am just having one of those days where I wish everyone would just go away and I could watch recorded episodes of GH and cheesy horror flicks. I don't feel like cooking, playing pretend, or staying sober. I resorted to chocolate for my daughter's potty training reward and I know chocolate would make me feel better, but I still haven't lost the twenty pounds I've needed to loose since she was born. My hubby knows better and took the older one out to a friends house so it is just me and all the estrogen. Wow, he has gotten smart. My oldest daughter, who we politely call " thing 1 ", has been acting like her hormones are all out of whack. She starts kindergarten in two weeks. I love her, but we need to put all that drama to good use and get a college fund started. She can be sooooo.......draining. And the f' ing potty training thing. WTF.... I mean the other two weren't easy but, let's face it, they pretty much potty trained themselves. This one, well, ( we call her, you guessed it, " thing 2") , just is taking her leisurely time. She could conceivably go to kindergarten in pull ups. I know the third child is suppose to be laid back, but come on. She practically lives in the bathroom with me. She is constantly finding mamma's little
" private items " and strewing them all over the house. It can be really embarrassing. I guess I figured if she was spending this much time following me around she would have figured the whole thing out by now. But maybe she just wants the chocolate? I haven't actually explained how the preschool teachers don't give out rewards for going potty. It's Always the potty... I feel like I live their, especially this time of the month. Can we say, " super plus, please"!? What is up with that. I think I miss the days of being on the pill. At least I felt like I had control of some aspects of being a woman. If I get anymore bloated and bitchy my husband may just take up residence in the treehouse.
I know not everyone wanted to hear about my " time of the month", but tough shit. I mean I feel better and that's what counts, right. The only good thing that happened today is Harry Potter came out. I bought one of the last copies at my grocery store. I felt lucky on some level. I was definitely a hero in my son's eyes, so I feel pretty cool. He gets to read it first , but if he gives me any hints, his not so little preteen self will be grounded for life. It's all I can do these days, or show movies of him with his toenails painted pink from when he was four.
I am hoping within the next week I will be back to normal and halfway through Harry Potter. At least I have something to look forward to. Hey, don't make fun, I am not a complete geek, remember I am a Gemini.
The Merlot is wearing off and thing 1 and 2 are stealing my chocolate and fighting over it. Thank Goodness it is almost bedtime my voice is getting rough from yelling. Oh am I in for it when the rest of their hormones kick in.
Have a drink on me!!

A Life On Easy Street

What I wouldn't give for an address on easy street. Sometimes it just seems like I am always taking one step forward and two steps backwards. Just when it we think we're finally able to catch our breath something else goes wrong. I don't need a lot of money. I can do my own laundry and I actually enjoy cooking. (if someone wants to clean toilets, I'll take that ) I just don't want to stress about money all the time. I really try not to. When I think about it and count all my blessings I know that's all I need, but wouldn't it be nice not have to worry. I really want to be able to stay at home with my children as much as possible, but I may not have a choice soon. I know plenty of families don't have a choice at all. I guess I am very lucky that I have a man who is in this life with me. We know we can always count on each other. And I know many people who don't have this. Some people I know seem to make it look so easy. They live in their McMansions and go on big vacations, have nannies and designer clothes. I am one of the only minivans out of a sea of foreign SUV's in my daughters preschool parking lot. I have nothing against people with money, some are close friends. I do get a little envious sometimes, though. Usually, all I have to do is spend some real quality time with my family and it all goes away. They make it all worth it, especially those little pearls of mine who constantly humble me. They want and need, too, but their innocence reminds me what life is all about. Like my husband sings to me when I beg for that Caribbean vacation " You can't always get what you want, but if try real hard, you might just find you get what you need". Thanks Hun.

I Saw My Name In Print

Yesterday a website I wrote a short article for told me I would be on their cover homepage for one day. They said I was ranked number 1 out of thirteen articles for that subject. It is a subject very close to my heart so it was easier to write about. I have only had a few things published in my life ( was never paid, though ) so it was a real thrill to have positive feedback on something I am passionate about. I may not have made bunches of money but the small recognition feels good and definately inspires me to do more. To all of you with your dreams and goals keep on going...

Life As A House

My husband and I have been building a home for the past twelve years. I mind you, we also live in this home. We live in this home with our three children and a dog. My husband and his family don't believe in banks so everything is done with cash on hand. Because we were not blessed with endless funds but instead some knowledge, we build this home as we go. This home has become a symbol of our accomplishments. When we first got married and decided to start building we became students of architecture and design. In retrospect it was great for our marriage to learn about each other and compromise. We seemed to add more to our family as we added more to our home. Or maybe it was the other way around. This house isn't just pieced together, but a collaboration of life experiences. For me, one of the biggest lessons I have been privileged to learn over and over again is patience. The " I want it now " society we all live in is hard to ignore. Sometimes I get very discouraged in our venture, especially when someone thinks they should impart their own knowledge. It can be hard to stick to your principles, but I know the reward will be worth the sacrifice. I remind myself life is a journey, not a race to the end. I try to use this new found knowledge in everyday life. One day I will let you know how it ends, but for now I will try to post pictures and keep you up to date.

Checking Out

Well, we just got back from our summer vacation at the beach. This is our fifth year in a row going to the same place with my in-laws. I really enjoy the beach, and we are definitely getting the place wired. We even discovered some new places. Actually, going with my in-laws is quite fun.( Did I mention my father in law surfs ). They watched the children for a night so my hubby and I could go out. Finally, after four sour apple martinis and one pound of snow crab we headed home. We took a walk on the beach and watched our condo until all the lights were out and then went up.

It is not that I don't want to be with my children I just need a break once in awhile. Summer vacation is to get away from it all anyway, right? I think my brain has taken a vacation lately. When I try to have an intellectual conversation my brain just takes a nap. When I am all alone I can have a conversation with just about anyone in my head. My husband says I might even make more sense with a glass of wine. That's why he married me!
The mamas on Crazyhipmamas are writing about camping. We tried actually camping in a tent last year. It really went pretty well. I am game for just about anything. We only stayed one night and froze our butts off. Making the food was the really fun part. I like to cook and using grills and making smores was right up my alley. The only thing I really hate...( besides the freezing part ) was the bathroom situation. We were very close to a clean one, and just don't eat anything too crazy or drink too much and you might be okay, but really the showers. I need to shower and with no one else but my husband. ( okay , occasionally my baby girl has been known to jump in) But not a whole campground. I don't care how clean it is.
So that's my vote for hotels/condos on my vacation. I'll try not to bore you with my opinion on crappy hotels. Let's just say I'll starve before I sleep with roaches.
Have a great vacation! My mind will check back in as soon as the laundry is done from most recent road trip.

How Blogging Came Into My Life

Of course I had heard of blogging, but I never really had time to find out about it, though. A friend of mine told me she had started her own blog about having two young kids and and working full time outside the home. She said it had been very theraputic for her. I absolutely love to write in my journal and have at least ten story lines and even more characters going on in my head. I have been this way since I was a child with my imaginary friends. And, as you may already be able to tell, I can babble on with the best of them. Having friends in your adult life with children can be challenging and I have found I have a lot more in common with people I have met on the internet then in everyday life. Maybe it is because we let our guards down more or our posts eventually get to a point and we don't have to get to know someone for two years and decide we really don't even like them. Only if we were like children and all became instant best friends.

That brings me to why I have started my blog. When I was searching out blogs I ran into a blog of an old friend of mine. It was actually quite chilling to see her face and writing on the internet. I knew this person like the back of my hand. See, we were best friends for almost twenty years. Maid of honor in each others weddings, had babies at the same time, helped each other through extremely tough times, that kind of friendship. It is very odd to read about events in someone's life that you were actually there for and experienced with them, but you no longer speak to them. She stopped speaking to me over two years ago for reasons beyond my control. (That is a whole other post ) It took me awhile to , but I decided I have a voice in this world , too. I know that sounds corny, but sometimes a major event in your life can take you to new places. I no longer read her blog because I feel too much like a voyeur. I write because I like to hear myself think outloud. I write because I feel like I am growing and learning new things everyday. My biggest source of wisdom over the last decade of my life is my children. They teach me everyday virtues without even trying. I know I am not anywhere near the same person as I was before I had children. They are my world but not all who I am, and I am learning that , too. Blogging has come into my life at a time when I know I need to be a little less serious and let my otherside(s) show, too. I am afterall a gemini. Most of us have a lot to share with others and what better way to find out about others little truths and widoms.

I can't wait to see how this is going to turn out. Stay Tuned...

My children need me and they are crying for food and attention. I guess I can oblige.
MPearl