Stay Out Of My Sandbox

Some things will just never change. There will always be the people who think they are more important or better than everyone else. I try not to let it bother me but it still does. Only three little girls from my daughter's class came to her party out of 20 kids. I know ten of them went to the other girls party. This is only kindergarten. My angel mentioned that not too many people showed up but she was ever grateful for the people who did come. They are good friends, too. I couldn't help notice who was invited and who wasn't and it made it obvious to me. I wanted to scream and yell. I wanted to tell this oblivious women doesn't she know who she is messing with. This school isn't about how much money you have. Or is it. Does it always have to come to that for some people. I have been overly active in our school for seven years now. I personally know all the PTA board members and the staff knows my children and I by name. Maybe I have personal issues from my own childhood of people who constantly tried to exclude others. I always presumed it was the child but I didn't realize it was their parents they were learning it from. Accidents happen. Oversights happen. But when it is so in your face obvious it can hurt. Maybe it is the girl thing....it luckily has never happened with my son. I love our small school. It is wonderful. I don't want it to change. But it is much easier to get lost in a big school. And sometimes that is just where I like to be. My daughter is already over it but the other mother's and I want to meet her in the parking lot after school. It is funny how your maternal instinct will kick in and you would do almost anything to protect your offspring. You start thinking of ways to mentally torture this predator. I know I am overreacting just a smidgen, but getting this off my chest will help. I do have a tiny weeny vindictive side, but it only lasts for a day or two. (usually). Really, I'm almost over it. Really!! Almost!!

Okay, one other, a little more controversial thing, public versus private school. My mil is pushing the private school thing again. Even if it was a realistic for us to fork over 20k a year for private school I still wouldn't want to. Like repeatedly said, I like our schools. Granted, our middle school and high school are not number one in the state, but they are still wonderful. Also, wouldn't it just be cheaper to move if they are that bad. My mil says her friends are telling her "all the kids are using meth." My husband said, " that's just because they can't afford coke" Ha-ha! Seriously, we still have an excellent graduation rate and a good percentage that go on to college. Also, like I have probably said before, I think we have a pretty awesome home life. We are close with our kids and extended family. I believe this makes a difference. I have nothing against private schools. My husband and I both attended them at some time in our lives. I just think a lot of the crap people complain about at public schools you can also find at private schools. If you have the money and desire go for it. I am happy where I am and would like to help promote our public school system to the better. My mil is one of the pushier mil's and she refers to my children as hers " I have found some great private schools we can send our boy to."
Anyway, I am a big girl and can do my own research. And take care of my own children. Beware: I don't mind getting dirty especially when it is my own sandbox.

Imagine

I started off the afternoon a little sad because I am trying to throw a really nice birthday party for my daughter this Saturday but no one seems to be able to come. I found out from another mom that another little girl is having a party at the same time but she only invited half the class ( my daughter not included ). This mom of course is much more organized than I and sent her invites out 3 weeks ago. Oh, I feel terrible. The blessed angel I have for a daughter does not seemed fazed by it at the least, though. She is only 6 after all. We had a family party over the weekend and she was absolutely delighted. We went to a local fall festival and she loved shopping all the booths. She is definitely my daughter. I know I shouldn't care and I am trying not to get caught up in all the "who's party is better " crap, but I just hate disappointment on my child's face. If I know my angel she will still have the time of her life.

My son came home from school yesterday with his first heartache. He asked a girl to the Fall Carnival at school and she said no. I wanted to cry for him. I still can't believe he is already this age. I want to shelter him from it all. And it is just beginning. Today he came home a little happier because she told him she does like him but she is not allowed to call or go out with boys until she's twelve. So they will just be very good friends at school. I like this girl already. The 6th grade dance is coming up before you know it, though. If only,...

Then tonight all the other stuff seemed silly when I found out my aunt and Godmother has uterine cancer. My mom and her sister. Then a friend told me her mom was just diagnosed with melanoma-skin cancer. WTF!!! These women aren't even 60. I am thinking of moving to a bubble soon. But will that even help. Then it got me thinking(there I go again)...is my children's social lives really silly. NO, these are the kinds of things that count. When I think of my childhood, I love my parents for all the little and wonderful things they did. Nothing was too trivial for them. They made every minute count. Family vacations were always a must. Even when I bawked. But I can't even remember why I protested, but I sure do remember visiting Yellowstone Park, Disney World, and Washington DC with my parents. Yes, I remember broken hearts and bumps and bruises along the way, but I also remember my parents always being there doing the best they can. Even if I couldn't see that then. I was loved (still am ).My sister and brother were loved. We all have the same great memories so they must have been doing something right. I just hope my children feel the same way when they are older. I have a small hunch my hubby and I are doing something right. They are truly great kids and I love them to pieces.
I pray for all the sick and suffering people in this world. I also pray for the people in the world who do not have a family who loves and supports them as much as mine has. No one is perfect but everyone wants to be loved. We all need each other. " Imagine all the people..."

Can someone please tell me when life will slow down? Just when I thought we were getting a week off something else has to happen...my son broke his finger on the trampoline when he and his sister ran into each other. A finger, not the end of the world, right? Wrong! Of course, it had to be a dislocated compound fracture. We are going have it reset(I think they call it) tomorrow, along with some pins for good measure. It just so happens my son's only sport is track and field( not until the spring) safe...but...he has been playing piano for five years and recently picked up guitar. I may have mentioned that his new dream is start a band. I feel so bad for him. I cried when my husband called from the emergency room to tell me he would have to have surgery. This isn't his first trip to the emergency room. It isn't even his first broken bone. No, that happened when he was 18 months and he broke his leg. My son doesn't get the normal ear infections of childhood, he gets the kind where the eardrum busts and is bleeding on a Saturday evening or when we are on spring break in another state. I know there are many other horrible things that can happen to children, but I have to tell you I am already getting scared about the teenage years. He is smart and level headed, but one time is all it takes. He is already picking out his car and he is only eleven. Well, one battle at a time. I have to think positive and he will be back to his music playing in no time.

Julie Pippert, theartfulflower.blogspot.com, aptly calls her eldest child " Patience". I think that might be my new name for my eldest. That was definitely me growing up. I wanted to be older so bad...I wanted everything now. Patience has been one of the biggest virtues I have learned about in my life. I learn more everyday. As I went over the budget today I had to take a breath and remember it will all work out. We will be okay. We are doing what feels right to us.
One other virtue my husband and I were talking about recently is forgiveness. This is a very important and relevant virtue in my life, also. My children help me everyday, but as an adult life can be a bit more serious. I am working on this one and will talk more soon and on acceptance and forgiveness. I am working on an article for an online magazine about this subject and would love to hear any one's thoughts on the subject.

Just breathe:)

Sex, Religion, Children, Cancer

I just don't know how everyone does it!? I mean, in the blogging community everyone seems to be able to keep up with posting, commenting, etc... and their outside lives , too. I can't seem to be able to get on the computer longer than fifteen minutes before I am interrupted. I am really starting to become cranky from it. I am having blogging withdrawals. I am a much happier person when I can write and socialize with other bloggers. Hey, real people are good, too. But sometimes not as good.

Things have been pretty crazy lately. First, my mother's mass in her breast is cancer. She had it removed last week and is doing much better. She has to start radiation treatment as soon as she is better. She is in very good spirits and has an incredibly awesome attitude. I am so proud of her and so scared at the same time. The doctors are very optimistic about her recovery and her chances of remission. They have caught this very early. Thank God!

Work has been pretty good. I am not working with the evil queen this year and I have such a better attitude towards my job. The children are very sweet, but the parents are usually the one's who drive me crazy. I work at a private Catholic School and one of the little girl's in my class is Muslim. No big deal, we are a mostly academics but we do pray a few times a day( meals, morning prayer) and we have a bible lesson once a week for 20minutes. Pretty easy going compared to some Christian schools I think. Especially the one I worked at that condemned Mother Theresa. Anyway, the little girls mother would like us to take her out of the room anytime we pray and of course during the bible lesson. Look, I am all for freedom of religion, but I am not sure why she is sending her to this school. Her daughter is very offended every time Jesus is mentioned. We are definitely not a really cheap school and there are lots of secular schools in the area. I do think we have a really good program, though. I guess, if I was that worried about a school's religious influence on my child I would not be sending them to one I disagree so strongly with. Okay, that is my rant on that.

Now, on to pre teen angst. Wow, I am so desperately trying to relate to my son. He is absolutely girl crazy. He is fairly shy, but seems to have no shortage of girls to choose from and no shortage of questions about the opposite sex. He talked my ear off for an hour and a half last night about middle school stuff. His latest dilemma is his best friends crush seems to have the hots for him. Oh, what tangled webs we weave. He does seem to have a very level head on his shoulders and is very realistic about life. I know I was not that mature at his age. I am so proud of him. Sometimes I look at him and can not believe he is the same little boy who used to break the other kids toys because they took it from him. I worry, too. Life can be hard at his age. You stress about everything. Everything matters to you. He takes life very seriously. This is good and bad. I have the same problem. Even though he is a boy, we have similar personalities. My husband was much more outgoing in school. My son doesn't seem to have any problems making friends, he is just terribly insecure about himself. I know that comes with the territory, but I don't know if I have ever gotten better, myself. I know I will never stop worrying about my kids. I am very glad my son talks to me and I hope it will always continue. His mood swings could send my to therapy, but hopefully mine haven't ruined him yet!

My husband and I celebrated our 14th anniversary a couple of weeks ago. We actually went out of town with another couple we have known for a very long time. It was a lot of fun. They are celebrating their 15th anniversary next month. We were noting that half of both our wedding parties are divorced. That is sad. Some are happily remarried and others have disappeared. I know the statistic says half, but it is still sad when it happens. My marriage has had its' rocky moments but for heaven's sake you have to work at it. I have probably hated my husband at one time or another in our marriage. He is not always the most sympathetic of men. But, I am not easy to live with either. I am a self professed slob(even though I hate it) I don't know many people who are less organized and once a month just don't piss me off. Which is much easier said than done. And my husband not only lives with these things about me but appreciates them. I don't nag as much about pitching in, I don't care that he has not one but two unfinished classic cars in our garage, and at least once a month for about a week I always get my way. Some people call me a push over but I call it compromise. Just like people who seem perfect on the outside have skeletons in their closets some couples who have imperfections have ways off dealing with the chaos. We have a pretty good rhythm going right now, but marriage takes work. A lot of fucking work. When you live with someone day in and day out they are bound to get on your nerves. You are two different people and you are not always going to agree. Add in money, kids, in laws, etc...and you better be in it for the long haul. I know there are extenuating circumstances, but like I my husband says, he can't afford to divorce me. And like I tell my husband, I would rather be a widow. My husband and I are in need of a date about 3 or 4 times a month. And sex, well, that is a little personal, but you have to have it! For most men, it is never enough, but girls, have fun. You miss out on sleep for your babies, you can miss out for some fun with your honey. My point being, my man is worth it and so am I.
Well, I am feeling a little better and I have only been interrupted 4 times. Next time I with tackle the rock band my son is starting and whether paying your child for a clean drug test every month is ethical? Peace & Love!!!!!

All I Ever Needed To Know I Learned In Kindergarten:

Well, I have at least five posts saved in my drafts and haven't had the time to finish any of them. I hope this one is different. Between work and my kids going back to school I am an unorganized nervous wreck. Speaking of going back to school I have been reading a lot of posts/ blogs on this subject, especially about kindergarten.
I'm there, again. My second child started at the beginning of the month and wow what a difference from my first. Flashback~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~September 2001~~~~~~~My oldest child, my only child, my first born son is starting school. Does the date ring any bells. It sure does for me. I was 81/2 months pregnant with my miracle baby girl having a nice bubble bath when the phone rings. It is my son's teacher telling me he has failed the GKAP ( kindergarten readiness test) She thinks he would benefit from extra help and by the way he tried to pull the fire alarm today. She is a great lady who I later find out lives up the street. This news is surprising but not exactly shocking. My son is the sweetest little boy, but cannot sit still to save his life. His teachers have and will say " He has the biggest heart in the world, he just needs to learn to control himself". Hey, don't we all. Anyway, I try to call my husband but he is in Ohio of all places I can't seem to get in touch with him. My mom will just think I am pregnant nuts so I call a friend in a similar situation. She assures me she is just as nuts and thinks I should wait until I have the conference with the teacher before I pull him out and home school. You know, the new baby coming and all. Okay, I give, but I am still thinking this teacher deserves to be publicly flogged for thinking anything but wonderful thoughts about my first born child. Does she not know what I am going through here. I get through the day and decide I will make it until the conference tomorrow. But that day never comes. As I lay on the sofa having my second bowl of cereal watching Good Morning America Charlie Gibson announces a plane has crashed into the world trade center. As he is talking another crashes right before our eyes. As the morning unfolds and our country learns what may or may not be happening and I am debating whether I should get my son from school. Yesterday I was frantic about my son's place at his new elementary school and now I am losing it about his place at school. I knew I would freak about him being gone. I cried the whole first day , but I never thought I could stress about his physical being at a suburban elementary school, right? Boy, was I wrong. Us mommies decided against confiscating our children on the advice they would realize something bad was happening. Good advice I am sure, but by 2pm carpool I was having so many contractions I could barely drive and no one would answer their damned phones. At 4pm my husband finally calls from Ohio to say he has obtained a rental car and will be driving home immediately. Thank God! My doctor calls at 5pm and the contractions have slowed considerably. I am advised to have a glass of red wine and a long hot bath. My in laws arrive and stay until my husband is home. My beautiful boy makes everything okay. Calm, happy, and very reassuring. Even when the next week the doctors hospitalize me for pre eclampsia until I am thirty eight weeks and able to deliver. Even when our country is in shambles and no one feels safe he can't wait to go to his next soccer game. He is my candle guiding me in the dark. I have no more control. He is in school while I am in a hospital. I am going to have his little sister and I feel so helpless in my responsibilities as a mother. I feel so much guilt. Guilt for not being there, guilt for our sorry excuse as a world unable to create peace for our children, guilt for being pregnant, and guilt for the time I have to spend away from him. Will he understand? Will he be okay? Will he be scarred for life from his crazy mother and the rest of the world? Fast forward.................
Present day.......yes it might sound like I was a teenage drama queen(but weren't we all!) but really, I was that crazy. It was too much for me to comprehend at the time. I did have my baby girl ( all 9lbs5oz of her ) two weeks later and my son only sees his therapist 3X's a year now for his ADD Rx's. They say he has recovered nicely. As for me, well the medication helps. Seriously though, it was one of those life lessons that is forever carved out in my head and my heart. I can't control everything. Really, pretty much nothing. My dad had the Serenity Prayer hung in his home office as long as I can remember. He is even actually a card carrying member. You think hearing and seeing this virtue that often would have had some effect on me. (besides guilt) I guess it has because I eventually get the hint. You might have to knock me over the head with it and I will blame hormones and childbirth for the rest of my life, but the hurdles we have to climb in life, especially for our children, are just that: hurdles, mountains, life lessons. We will get through them and learn from them. Let go! They won't fall, children are stronger then we think. When we are at the top we sometimes forget how hard it was to get there. But life will remind you. With my daughter starting school it is so much easier this time. I still have a knot in my stomach every morning when I drop her off and I still cried the day before she went to kindergarten in the middle of the Kroger parking lot. (hormones!!)
I have to let go in little bursts with my children. But this doesn't mean I won't walk through a wall of fire to protect them, either. We are learning "when" everyday. When to let go and when to tighten our grip. Middle school, kindergarten, preschool,...it is all hard to me now. I finally got #3 potty trained but now she has to do it a preschool. OMG, I can't believe how nervous I am. I feel stupid for even saying it.
Anyway, we are all going through our mommy "puberty" at different levels and times. Just like when we were teenagers, we only have so much control over our lives. But now, as so called adults, we do have the experiences to help guide us through our lives. And if that doesn't get you through there is always good friends and excellent medications:)

My Mommy

Today I am a little on the worried side. My mom is going to have a biopsy to find out if she has breast cancer. I hate to even say the word for fear it may come true. She was really scared and nervous when she called last night to tell me. My mom has hardly been sick a day in her life and my family has luckily not had to deal with a lot of medical issues, especially life threatening ones. My sister called as soon as she got off the phone with my mom. We kept telling ourselves that women have these issues sometimes but everything usually turns out fine. My dad is going with her and she said they should have the results very soon. I hope so. I don't have a lot of experience with these situations but waiting seems one of the more difficult parts. I am trying to pass the time by doing things to keep myself busy, but I am still worried about my mom. Mom's are so important to daughters and I have been blessed with a wonderful mom who is always on my side. Please say a prayer for her. Thank You.

My Middle Is Gone

This has been a very busy and exciting week. My oldest daughter, who is my middle child, started kindergarten on Monday. Yes, we start very early down here. My son started sixth grade. That is still elementary school here. Although, he doesn't act like it.Of course, true to her nature she barely batted an eye when I dropped her off on Monday morning. I was about to cry if it weren't for all the parents huddled around the kindergarten wing together. We are a cute bunch. I am much calmer this time around. When my son began kindergarten I was 81/2 months pregnant with his sister and getting notes home and phone calls by the second week of school. Not to mention this was September 2001, so life was slightly crazy and scary anyway. I feel a better sense of calm while she is at school. I know this school. It is right behind me. I lived up there for the past six years. She did get the only new teacher in kindergarten and my son had all the others at some time or other. I was a little disappointed, but I know we can handle this. She comes home everyday and gives me a full report on the days event. My son still only gives one word answers unless it is bedtime. He had to even ask her to stop talking the first day because he wanted to tell me something. They are so cute walking into school together. He is already 5'6" and she is barely 4ft. I know this is what we parents work for but, preparing our children for leaving the nest, but I was secretly glad I still had little 3 to stay home with. She is watching Caulliou and running around in her Dora underwear. We have just recently become potty trained, by my standards. We will have to tackle preschool in a couple of weeks, but she will only be down the hall from me. I am not ready for all three to be gone all day, yet. I know this will come soon and by 5pm I am ready to throw them outside, smog alert or not. I am just trying to cherish every moment and do the best I can. Some people are worried about this teacher or that, going to middle school, testing etc...I am trying to be active, but I am learning to say no, too. I also try to do my homework when it comes to curriculum but not one system I've looked into is perfect. Our little niche has a small school, only 565 students in six grades, by most standards. There are varying levels of economic situations , especially when you get to middle and high school, but I love our area and the home we have built together as a family. I wouldn't trade it for the world. I believe it is important to put down roots somewhere, if you can. Somewhere your family can truly call home. I am so glad I get the opportunity to know one place where my children can thrive and I can too. School has a large place in children's lives so we better make it count.
I had big plans after school started to workout and work more on my writing but other things have come into play. Like, sleep and laundry. This will be okay. I am learning to adjust and be happy where my life is now. My heart has sank to where my middle used to be and I am not sure I want it back the other way.

To My Bonus Baby, Happy Birthday!!

We have this habit of giving our children several nicknames. Their birth order names are Blessing, Miracle, and Bonus. Blessing...we prayed one night, he came to us...Miracle...we prayed for 5years, and she came to us...and our precious Bonus baby came without any praying, buy boy did we do some praying after. You know the story, you think it takes a miracle to get pregnant so you are not as careful as you used to be, and here we are. But, sometimes the gifts are surprises. We all know children are a gift from God, but the idea of one when you are not expecting one can be overwhelming. My husband and I had to do some soul searching and remind ourselves what a true blessed event this was. She has brought our entire family together in way we were not before. And I mean everyone. I even got to see who my real friends were during this time. My mom was a big help, my little brother and I are almost sixteen years apart( from the same marriage). She had to change parts of her life, too. But the sacrifices are always worth it.
Thing 2 even came into this world differently then her siblings. We decided to have a csection at seven months because she, like her siblings , was way bigger then my 5'1" frame could handle. Her sister had dislocated her shoulder, so we didn't want a repeat. I am lucky in one way with my pregnancies, I have never gone past my due date. All three were induced in some way 7-14 days early. I also get pre-eclampsia. Bonus baby came in the world by csection ten days on August 3rd, 2004. She weighed 8lbs.15oz. ( not my biggest, but close) and 22in long. She had hair and big huge blue eyes just like her brothers, and both still have today. She is the one I can claim. She looks the most like me. Her sister looks like a cross of my sister and my hubby. She acts like me, too. Which is good and bad, of course. She can be very laid back but pitches a fit when she's hungry or tired. She doesn't seem to care she isn't really potty trained, but it is making me nutz!! She is and will be the glue for this family. She follows her sister everywhere, but she will be the one who tries to keep her sister on the straight an narrow someday. They remind me so much of my sister and I. They will be best friends and they will drive each other crazy. I am so glad they have each other.
When I look at little miss bonus baby, I can't believe I was even worried about what life would be like with three kids. Yes, money may be tighter but her laugh is so worth it. She teaches me more then any amount of money could buy. That old " patience " virtue creeps back into my life. Slow down, mamma. Thank you God for my little precious bonus baby, thing 2, little midget, beautiful baby girl. She is a good light for me to follow.

A post I want to pass along...theartfulflower.blogspot.com ...Romeo Raccoon must die is one of the funniest posts I ever read.

My Childhood Dreams

http://crazyhipblogmamas.com/?p=345... This is a "collaboration" post with crazy hip mamas. The topic is something I think of often especially when watching my own children.

My earliest childhood dream I remember was when I was in about first grade. I really thought being a teacher would be fun because whenever we played school I was always the teacher and got to boss everyone around. As I got older I realized there was a lot more to being a teacher. For instance, helping to shape those young minds I get to boss around.

My biggest childhood dream came when I was ten years old. I was going to Catholic School and had my first male teacher. (not a priest ) He was young, cool , and taught me to write my first real short story. In fact, he really liked my story and had me read it in front of the class. I was very shy and didn't want to but he convinced me. And what do you know, the other kids actually thought it was very cool. That was my first taste of fiction writing and finding something I was good at doing and just loved. The idea I could make up a story that other people would read and liked sounded great to me. I was already a huge daydreamer and loved to read. The teacher also gave me a lot of praise and that in turn gave me confidence. It also showed me, as I became older, what an influence a teacher can have on a young persons life. I will never forget the day John Lennon died because of this teacher. His reaction to John Lennon's death moved me so much for such a young person.
Unfortunately, I moved later on that school year, but my love for writing only increased. It helped me through the move and many other difficult times in my life. I developed not only a dream of becoming a published writer but a passion for writing. Also, my first childhood dream of becoming a teacher is a reality. I know now I touch every little young mind I teach in some way. I also realize my dream of being a writer has also come true. I have had a few minor things published but that is not what makes me a writer; my passion for putting my thoughts down on paper is what has made my childhood dreams come true.

Weekends are for enlightenment

The good news is the children go back to school in a week and the bad news is the children go back to school in a week. My middle child will start kindergarten this year and it is also a crossroads for me. Another dilemma for me is I will start back teaching at my school in a couple weeks. No more free schedule and sleeping in until 8am. My writing is going to take a serious dive. I will be working one less day this year, so I am thrilled about this, but at the same time I won't be able to blog and work on my story inventions ( as I call them ). I try to look on the bright side...I am able to work part time and see my children as soon as they get out of school. I don't have to work , I need to work. Probably more then I am, but I am trying to strike this balance. I know I can't have it all, at least not all at once. My plan is to get this damned writing thing off the ground so by the time my youngest starts elementary school I can do this writing thing full time at home. Oh, I have dreams.
Over the weekend I kept reminding myself the children go back to school soon. Especially at the grocery store. You know how it is, you run in to grab the basics so your family won't starve or die of food poisoning, and then someone inevitably gets hurt, screams like a banshee so everyone stares at you( I am so over this ) you grab the closet bottle of wine to the checkout counter, pay twice as much as you expected ( bribes, things thrown in when not looking, mamma's little helpers etc...) and get the hell out of there. The Home Depot trip on Sunday wasn't much better. I knew when they were perfect angels at the Pancake House ( no food was thrown and the two year old didn't wet her pants) that it was too good to be true. At least this time, the hubby was present.
But I am going to miss my miracle baby when she goes off to kindergarten and little two turns three on Friday. ( Trying to plan some kind event ) My son got braces last week and time is moving too fast. I am in such conflict about this whole working/staying home thing. Time with the kids, time with my husband, time with myself. I know all of us moms go through this. I am just wondering will I ever get into a groove that works for me. Some days I think money will solve all these troubles, but I know that isn't necessarily true. People say money isn't everything, but it sure doesn't hurt. I have also read it is the number one cause of divorce. But those Hollywood couples have plenty of dough and they don't seem to have such good luck.
My husband and I are trying to be turtles. Go at a slow and steady pace. I know it will pay off. Thank God a girl has her friends to talk to about this stuff.
Off to make muffins in the easy bake oven. ( not the one that burns you) After all, she won't be my baby forever.

Sliding Doors

Lately I have been thinking ( my husband would add a joke here) a lot about the choices we make in our lives. How one choice can equally effect the next and so on. One of my all time favorite movies is " Sliding Doors " with Gwenyth Paltrow ( who I also adore ). Her character makes a small choice that changes her life for either good or bad. This ultimately leads to more complicated choices in the two alter lives it creates. Can we go back and start again or are we constantly reinventing ourselves? If we make one choice and it doesn't work out we can't always just start over because there are other people who are involved. Other people's lives who are effected by our choices and vice versa. As a mother of three children, I know now the choices I make cannot always be selfish because people who make me who I am are involved. Everything from what I eat, to how many children I have, to my marriage, and my overall happiness effects my children. I know this sounds a little over the top and also a little " she's just figuring this out"----which I am not ----but everyday my kids are getting older and I am always worrying whether or not I am making the right choices for them because as they get older they will obviously be making more and more choices for themselves. I also have to be careful I am making the right choices for myself and setting a good example. I know one of the "rules " of motherhood is giving in to the fact that you will always feel guilty about something and some one's needs are not always being met.( my hubby's right now). I am trying and I bow to the women who have done this...but my mom constantly reminds me my favorite thing to ask when I was little was "what if? ". My almost 3yr old has recently picked this up. I try to answer her as best as I can. " What ifs " can drive you almost insane. I went through several miscarriages in a row before I had my second child and if you have ever had one you know how you can drive yourself crazy if it was something you did. I wondered what would have happened if I hadn't gone through all that and I know I wouldn't have thing 1 and 2. The choices we make can hurt us but we can recover and be stronger from them. Regret is a whole other part of choice that I think we must put to good use. We have to use it to make our next choice better. But I also feel in order to not to let regret eat us alive we have to also learn the art of forgiveness, and that may just be the ultimate thing my children have shown me and I can show them.
Journals, writing, blogging help me get this stream of consciousness out of my head and onto paper. I am not sure if I care whether people read it our not but let's face it writers truly want to be appreciated in some way. I am trying to get my short stories and my novels together. My notes are everywhere and I really want to finish just one. Articles and essays are much easier. these are themes I have included in one way or another in my most recent stories. If you have any suggestions or good websites let me know.

I Hate PMS, Periods, and Potty Training

And not in that particular order! I am just having one of those days where I wish everyone would just go away and I could watch recorded episodes of GH and cheesy horror flicks. I don't feel like cooking, playing pretend, or staying sober. I resorted to chocolate for my daughter's potty training reward and I know chocolate would make me feel better, but I still haven't lost the twenty pounds I've needed to loose since she was born. My hubby knows better and took the older one out to a friends house so it is just me and all the estrogen. Wow, he has gotten smart. My oldest daughter, who we politely call " thing 1 ", has been acting like her hormones are all out of whack. She starts kindergarten in two weeks. I love her, but we need to put all that drama to good use and get a college fund started. She can be sooooo.......draining. And the f' ing potty training thing. WTF.... I mean the other two weren't easy but, let's face it, they pretty much potty trained themselves. This one, well, ( we call her, you guessed it, " thing 2") , just is taking her leisurely time. She could conceivably go to kindergarten in pull ups. I know the third child is suppose to be laid back, but come on. She practically lives in the bathroom with me. She is constantly finding mamma's little
" private items " and strewing them all over the house. It can be really embarrassing. I guess I figured if she was spending this much time following me around she would have figured the whole thing out by now. But maybe she just wants the chocolate? I haven't actually explained how the preschool teachers don't give out rewards for going potty. It's Always the potty... I feel like I live their, especially this time of the month. Can we say, " super plus, please"!? What is up with that. I think I miss the days of being on the pill. At least I felt like I had control of some aspects of being a woman. If I get anymore bloated and bitchy my husband may just take up residence in the treehouse.
I know not everyone wanted to hear about my " time of the month", but tough shit. I mean I feel better and that's what counts, right. The only good thing that happened today is Harry Potter came out. I bought one of the last copies at my grocery store. I felt lucky on some level. I was definitely a hero in my son's eyes, so I feel pretty cool. He gets to read it first , but if he gives me any hints, his not so little preteen self will be grounded for life. It's all I can do these days, or show movies of him with his toenails painted pink from when he was four.
I am hoping within the next week I will be back to normal and halfway through Harry Potter. At least I have something to look forward to. Hey, don't make fun, I am not a complete geek, remember I am a Gemini.
The Merlot is wearing off and thing 1 and 2 are stealing my chocolate and fighting over it. Thank Goodness it is almost bedtime my voice is getting rough from yelling. Oh am I in for it when the rest of their hormones kick in.
Have a drink on me!!

A Life On Easy Street

What I wouldn't give for an address on easy street. Sometimes it just seems like I am always taking one step forward and two steps backwards. Just when it we think we're finally able to catch our breath something else goes wrong. I don't need a lot of money. I can do my own laundry and I actually enjoy cooking. (if someone wants to clean toilets, I'll take that ) I just don't want to stress about money all the time. I really try not to. When I think about it and count all my blessings I know that's all I need, but wouldn't it be nice not have to worry. I really want to be able to stay at home with my children as much as possible, but I may not have a choice soon. I know plenty of families don't have a choice at all. I guess I am very lucky that I have a man who is in this life with me. We know we can always count on each other. And I know many people who don't have this. Some people I know seem to make it look so easy. They live in their McMansions and go on big vacations, have nannies and designer clothes. I am one of the only minivans out of a sea of foreign SUV's in my daughters preschool parking lot. I have nothing against people with money, some are close friends. I do get a little envious sometimes, though. Usually, all I have to do is spend some real quality time with my family and it all goes away. They make it all worth it, especially those little pearls of mine who constantly humble me. They want and need, too, but their innocence reminds me what life is all about. Like my husband sings to me when I beg for that Caribbean vacation " You can't always get what you want, but if try real hard, you might just find you get what you need". Thanks Hun.

I Saw My Name In Print

Yesterday a website I wrote a short article for told me I would be on their cover homepage for one day. They said I was ranked number 1 out of thirteen articles for that subject. It is a subject very close to my heart so it was easier to write about. I have only had a few things published in my life ( was never paid, though ) so it was a real thrill to have positive feedback on something I am passionate about. I may not have made bunches of money but the small recognition feels good and definately inspires me to do more. To all of you with your dreams and goals keep on going...

Life As A House

My husband and I have been building a home for the past twelve years. I mind you, we also live in this home. We live in this home with our three children and a dog. My husband and his family don't believe in banks so everything is done with cash on hand. Because we were not blessed with endless funds but instead some knowledge, we build this home as we go. This home has become a symbol of our accomplishments. When we first got married and decided to start building we became students of architecture and design. In retrospect it was great for our marriage to learn about each other and compromise. We seemed to add more to our family as we added more to our home. Or maybe it was the other way around. This house isn't just pieced together, but a collaboration of life experiences. For me, one of the biggest lessons I have been privileged to learn over and over again is patience. The " I want it now " society we all live in is hard to ignore. Sometimes I get very discouraged in our venture, especially when someone thinks they should impart their own knowledge. It can be hard to stick to your principles, but I know the reward will be worth the sacrifice. I remind myself life is a journey, not a race to the end. I try to use this new found knowledge in everyday life. One day I will let you know how it ends, but for now I will try to post pictures and keep you up to date.

Checking Out

Well, we just got back from our summer vacation at the beach. This is our fifth year in a row going to the same place with my in-laws. I really enjoy the beach, and we are definitely getting the place wired. We even discovered some new places. Actually, going with my in-laws is quite fun.( Did I mention my father in law surfs ). They watched the children for a night so my hubby and I could go out. Finally, after four sour apple martinis and one pound of snow crab we headed home. We took a walk on the beach and watched our condo until all the lights were out and then went up.

It is not that I don't want to be with my children I just need a break once in awhile. Summer vacation is to get away from it all anyway, right? I think my brain has taken a vacation lately. When I try to have an intellectual conversation my brain just takes a nap. When I am all alone I can have a conversation with just about anyone in my head. My husband says I might even make more sense with a glass of wine. That's why he married me!
The mamas on Crazyhipmamas are writing about camping. We tried actually camping in a tent last year. It really went pretty well. I am game for just about anything. We only stayed one night and froze our butts off. Making the food was the really fun part. I like to cook and using grills and making smores was right up my alley. The only thing I really hate...( besides the freezing part ) was the bathroom situation. We were very close to a clean one, and just don't eat anything too crazy or drink too much and you might be okay, but really the showers. I need to shower and with no one else but my husband. ( okay , occasionally my baby girl has been known to jump in) But not a whole campground. I don't care how clean it is.
So that's my vote for hotels/condos on my vacation. I'll try not to bore you with my opinion on crappy hotels. Let's just say I'll starve before I sleep with roaches.
Have a great vacation! My mind will check back in as soon as the laundry is done from most recent road trip.

How Blogging Came Into My Life

Of course I had heard of blogging, but I never really had time to find out about it, though. A friend of mine told me she had started her own blog about having two young kids and and working full time outside the home. She said it had been very theraputic for her. I absolutely love to write in my journal and have at least ten story lines and even more characters going on in my head. I have been this way since I was a child with my imaginary friends. And, as you may already be able to tell, I can babble on with the best of them. Having friends in your adult life with children can be challenging and I have found I have a lot more in common with people I have met on the internet then in everyday life. Maybe it is because we let our guards down more or our posts eventually get to a point and we don't have to get to know someone for two years and decide we really don't even like them. Only if we were like children and all became instant best friends.

That brings me to why I have started my blog. When I was searching out blogs I ran into a blog of an old friend of mine. It was actually quite chilling to see her face and writing on the internet. I knew this person like the back of my hand. See, we were best friends for almost twenty years. Maid of honor in each others weddings, had babies at the same time, helped each other through extremely tough times, that kind of friendship. It is very odd to read about events in someone's life that you were actually there for and experienced with them, but you no longer speak to them. She stopped speaking to me over two years ago for reasons beyond my control. (That is a whole other post ) It took me awhile to , but I decided I have a voice in this world , too. I know that sounds corny, but sometimes a major event in your life can take you to new places. I no longer read her blog because I feel too much like a voyeur. I write because I like to hear myself think outloud. I write because I feel like I am growing and learning new things everyday. My biggest source of wisdom over the last decade of my life is my children. They teach me everyday virtues without even trying. I know I am not anywhere near the same person as I was before I had children. They are my world but not all who I am, and I am learning that , too. Blogging has come into my life at a time when I know I need to be a little less serious and let my otherside(s) show, too. I am afterall a gemini. Most of us have a lot to share with others and what better way to find out about others little truths and widoms.

I can't wait to see how this is going to turn out. Stay Tuned...

My children need me and they are crying for food and attention. I guess I can oblige.
MPearl